This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are your answers. What are the questions? First-prize winner gets a translucent Martin Van Buren commemorative plate, a value of $20.

A Fortnight in the Lincoln Bedroom

Herff 'n' Herff

Larry, Curly and Moses

"Consensual sex" Between Fourth Graders

Dogbert, But not Beau, the Seeing-eye Dog

Tiger Woods's Nearest Competitor

Alfred E. Gingrich

A Traveling Phlebotomist

A Janet Reno Pez Dispenser

Rack and Pinion Toothpaste

IRS `Tax Browsers'

Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 214, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Elden Carnahan of Laurel for today's Ear No One Reads. Do we owe you any prizes? Speak now, or forever be silent. For one more week we will entertain and investigate complaints from people who contend we have stiffed them; send in a postcard with your name and address and what we owe you, specifying the week number of the contest or contests in question. Bear in mind that delivery takes up to eight weeks, so we don't want to hear about anything after Week 202. Washington Post employees, and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 211, in which we asked you to design the back of the new Style Invitational T-shirt. This is the front.

Fourth Runner-Up: It's a contest. Every Sunday in the Washington Post. Oh, about four or five years now. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Third Runner-Up: (Kate Renner, Rockville)

Second Runner-Up: (John Kammer, Herndon; Dave Ferry, Leesburg; Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

First Runner-Up: (Katherine Lenard, Washington)

And the winner of the crutches: Less Taste! Great Filling! (Craig Ulander, Mount Airy)

Honorable Mentions:

I'M WITH STUPID (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Official Hale-Bopp Spaceship Crew. "Abandon Your Containers." (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)

Chuck 3:16 (Robin D. Grove, Columbia)

I'm with "Why do you always enter that stupid contest?" (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.)

(Robert D. German, Stafford, Va.)

Inspected by WHO CARES IT'S MY LAST DAY PFFFT BITE ME (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The Style Invitational: Ready, Fire, Aim! (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

The only thing worse than being a loser is being beat by a loser.) (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Heath Shuler is My Hero! (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

Heir to the Porcelain Throne. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Ask me about my unsightly bulges. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

We're Number Two! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Bud . . . Wise . . . Ass. (John Kammer, Herndon)

Next Week: Dumb as The Post